Throughout my celebrant training and practice, I have become acutely aware of how “direct cremations” are growing in popularity. A “direct cremation” is an unattended funeral where a person is cremated without a ceremony or mourners present (or variations of this model).
While this trend reflects changing attitudes towards death and traditional funerals, alongside financial considerations (which I completely understand), I believe it is absolutely crucial to consider carefully, the relevance of funeral ceremonies.
And in doing so, I have come to the conclusion that the ritual of saying goodbye to those who have died is profoundly important.
Our Human Need for Closure
Funeral ceremonies have been a cornerstone of human culture for millennia. They offer a structured opportunity for people to acknowledge the reality of their loss, express how they feel, and to journey towards familiarising themselves with a world without their loved one.
This is vital for the grieving process.
COVID 19, is a significant, shining example as to the importance of ceremonial farewells – and I will look at this in more detail at a later date –so many people who lost loved ones during this time have been negatively impacted, and many are still reeling to this day from having funeral ceremony limited or denied to them throughout the pandemic.
Celebrating Life, Community Support & Shared Grief
Beyond mourning, funerals serve as a celebration of life. And herein lies my motivation. Funerals offer an opportunity for us to share our memories, our stories, and to recognise the impact our person had on the World. This collective act of remembrance not only honours the departed but also reinforces the value of our human connections and the legacy we leave behind.
Funeral ceremonies help to bring people together. They create a support network when it is needed the most. The presence of our family, friends, and community provides comfort and reassurance during a difficult time. And this shared experience strengthens bonds and reminds us of our societal interconnectedness as human beings.
The Psychological Benefits of Ritual
Psychologists have long recognised the importance of rituals in helping people cope with major life transitions.
Especially death.
Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, in her book ‘The Grieving Brain’ discusses how when somebody dies, our brains struggle to comprehend our new reality of life without our loved one.
In fact, our brain’s neural transmitters literally need to rewire themselves, and do so through repeated re-firing when it has to acknowledge somebody’s absence.
Without the ritualistic act of funeral ceremony or memorial, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to acknowledge or be open to, our ‘new normal’, as awful as that may be to us.
I don’t believe that denial, avoidance or any variation thereof, is our friend.
Our brains wants to continue to work in the way that it did before our person died. It isn’t enough just to know that our loved one has died, we have to learn a whole new set of habits.
With the above in mind, then, I feel the aversion of funeral ceremony by direct cremation, only adds to prolonging the psychological discomfort of death and grief.
Not only this, but participating in these rituals helps grieving people feel a sense of agency during a time when most things feel beyond their control. This alone plays a critical role.
Addressing the Rise of Direct Cremations
The rise in direct cremations has been attributed to financial considerations and changing social attitudes. How is it possible that phrases such as ‘funeral poverty’ have seeped into our language? It is so sad that is has.
Planning funerals shouldn’t be scary or something to avoid.
Funerals don’t have to cost the Earth. It would help if we as a society were more comfortable talking about death in general. If we were willing to evaluate our options, and to plan our own funeral in advance, we could ensure that our ‘final flings’ are as individual and unique, as we are as people – all at a budget which suits us best.
Unattended cremations seem practical, and I understand why many people choose this route in the hope of making it easier on those who they leave behind. However, all things considered, this type of funeral risks depriving the living of the valuable benefits that the ceremonial act provides.
I’ll be honest, whenever I hear “oh just put me in the green bin”, I find it sad, I find it jarring and I want to shout from my soapbox “you may not care what happens to you, but those of us who love and care for you – well we do!”
This being said, it’s important to note that choosing a direct cremation doesn’t necessarily mean forgoing a meaningful goodbye. Families can still organise wonderful and personal memorial services or gatherings at a later date, which can incorporate many elements of traditional funeral ceremonies.
And I can help you with all of this.
Finding a Balance
As society evolves, so too will our approach to honouring the dead. The challenge lies in finding a balance between practicality and the fundamental human need for ritual and closure. This might involve reimagining funeral ceremonies while still preserving their core functions.
And do you know what? I’m really excited to be part of this progressive shift!
So Where to Now?
As we navigate these changing attitudes and practices surrounding death, it’s crucial to ensure the preservation of the core benefits of funeral ceremonies. Whether through traditional services, reimagined rituals, or delayed memorial gatherings, I truly believe that the act of coming together to remember and celebrate a life; and to support one another, remains an invaluable part of the human experience.
In the end, how we say goodbye to those we’ve lost reflects not only our respect for the individual, but also our understanding of life’s preciousness and the enduring power of human connections.
Death is coming for us all – so let’s start talking about it.
The Grieving Brain By Mary-Frances O’Connor | Used | 9780062946232 | World of Books (wob.com)