Discussing death and dying can be challenging for many adults. It’s a complex and emotionally charged topic. How then is it best to approach the subject with children?
Often, we are driven by a desire to prepare our children for life and all that it entails, but at the same time we wish to protect them from unnecessary harm or worry.
It is crucial to approach any conversations on death and dying with honesty, sensitivity and age appropriate language. And whilst of course it will depend on the age of the child how they process and understand this information, we need to be clear in our choice of words.
Using simple terminology such as ‘dead’ and ‘died’ is vital, euphemisms such as ‘passed away’ and ‘gone to sleep’ can be misleading, confusing and help to undermine the permanency of the state of death.
It can also be helpful to describe what happens when somebody dies; that their heart stops beating, their lungs stop breathing, and that their body no longer works. It can be reassuring to a child to understand that people who die, do not feel pain and cannot be frightened.
Questions should be encouraged and any worries, or negative feelings can be reassured.
For me personally, my daughter has grown up with the understanding that her Nanna died before she was born. That her Nanna was younger than most Grandparents when this happened, and that it still makes me sad despite the number of years her Nanna has been dead.
Up until the age of around 6 or 7, children sometimes find it difficult to process the permanence of death. Information, given in small amounts at a time may help younger children to understand more easily. But be prepared to revisit the subject often as the child develops and is able to process the information differently.
I was interested to gain a better perspective of my own daughter’s understanding at the age of 6. She informed me that she knows dead means forever. But she wasn’t quite sure what actually happens physically when someone dies.
I used the explanation above about the body not working anymore – and I added a point, that the dead person isn’t even aware that they have died.
This, she found rather interesting and seemed quite satisfied with the explanation.
Phew.
When I first told her that I was changing career to become a funeral celebrant, it took her a while to digest the role.
Around a week or so after we had spoken about what it was that I was now going to do – she came to me completely out of the blue and said “Mummy, I have been thinking about your new job – and I think it is a lovely thing to do”.
I was gob-smacked. And proud. And realised the importance of leading by example.
She often tells people that I am at a funeral, and when the other person replies with “oh how sad, I’m sorry”, she informs them “oh don’t be, Mummy is the celebrant, she is celebrating the person who has died”.
My daughter often asks me about who I am writing a service for, and what sort of person they were. I tell her what the person was good at, about the family who are missing them and what they especially loved to do. I occasionally rehearse a service as she plays on her tablet beside me. We talk about where the person might be now, how we imagine heaven to be, and how that image can be different for individual people.
Anyway, I’ve digressed.
Back to the topic in hand.
Thankfully, when it comes to talking to your child about death and dying, you are not alone. There is a wide range of professional organisations and resources to help support parents and caregivers to talk to children about death.
- Winston’s Wish – giving hope to grieving children (winstonswish.org); the Childhood Bereavement Network; and Child Bereavement UK offer some wonderful and essential advice and help.
- Marie Curie has an easy to digest section on their website: Talking about death and who can help (mariecurie.org.uk)
- And you will find a rather handy leaflet from Barnardos here: child-bereavement-service-explaining-death-children-young-people-help-cope.pdf (barnardos.org.uk)
And here are some of my favourite, rather charming Children’s books which are available to help explain as well: